The Guides
by Le soleil brille pas pour toi
Summary: Are you new to the planet Earth? Dexter's patented guides are sure to help you around.
1. The Beginner's Guide

Dexter excitedly folded the piece of paper and tucked it into the envelope.

"I _knew_ my guide would be a success, I will make a fortune from this!" he cackled. He carefully wrote the intergalactic address on the front and calculated the stamp price - which amounted to about $48.50 - but he charged for delivery to cover it.

It had only been a few days ago that Dexter had sent out the advertisement for his guide and already his first customer had sent the money for a copy. Granted it wasn't a very long guide, but it covered the basics.

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**THE BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO EARTH'S CUSTOMS**

1. We eat food. Maybe they don't call it that where you come from, but whatever it's named, you need it to survive. We eat food three times a day. These three sacred times are called Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner.

2. We, the technologically enhanced people of Earth, feel that we are above walking. We have many machines to save us from taking those few extra steps (e.g. motorized vehicles, escalators, elevators).

3. No matter how much we say that we care about the environment, we don't really mean it. That's why we invented such pollutants as high-powered engines and pesticides.

4. What with being busy polluting the planet, we don't have much time for anything else, so we've created the "time savers" - fast food, drive thru, FedEx...

5. Despite how convenient this fast food is, it aids in the disliked process of gaining weight. Hence, the super-fast extraordinary miracle diet. Mmm, carbonated diet flavored water (low in carbs!).

6. Last but not least, there's money. It's what we use to buy our food, transportation devices and diet water. Without money, our society would surely crumble.

That concludes The Beginner's Guide to Earth's Customs. For a more detailed explanation of these and other Earthly ways, call 1-800-WELCOME to order The Advanced Beginner's Guide to Earth's Customs. Have a nice day!

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Dexter laughed once more as he slipped the envelope through his mail slot that somehow reached into outer space. With the help of these alien suckers, he would soon be rich.


	2. The Advanced Beginner's Guide

After a long pause, I have finally updated this story, 'cause of my one reviewer. Thorinella, thanks for that review - you have your reward in the story:)

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An excited alien opened a package that she had received that day. It was her long-awaited 'Advanced Beginner's Guide to Earth's Customs' that had been ordered weeks ago.

After her good friend Thorinella had recommended The Beginner's Guide to Earth's Customs, she absolutely had to get The Advanced Beginner's Guide as well.

She eagerly started reading.

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**THE ADVANCED BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO EARTH'S CUSTOMS**

As promised in the last Guide, we will go into further detail about the points already made, as well as looking at new things.

1. Meals:

A) Eating is not only necessary to live, but is also the main time of conversation. It is natural to talk about the small things ("smalltalk") while enjoying food.

B) To acquire this food, one must obtain a 'job' in order to get the 'money' to purchase said food. Both jobs and money will be discussed soon.

2. Time savers:

A) Most time savers cost more 'money' than the time-consuming ways will. Some businesses advertise that they have the lowest prices around, but hey, we'll get to loopholes later as well.

B) A thing to know about time savers - they may be convenient now, but there will be consequences later on. Fast food amounts to fast fat. Drive-thru amounts to laziness. Pizza delivery amounts to having to pay a tip.

3. Wight gain:

A) Simply put, weight is how heavy you are and, you guessed it, the heavier the wider. Some people are offended by even the thought of becoming fat. The most convenient ways to deal with this is plastic surgery, but for the poorer people there is exercise, which not many overweight people are fond of.

4. Money:

A) This is our planet's world-wide name for currency. There are different way of expressing it - dollars, euros, Visa - but it all ends up the same way. You either have lots or owe lots.

B) I am aware that you probably know all about money, since it is what you used to pay for this book, but that didn't stop me from explaining anyway, did it? That's called _dedication to the readers_. Since I love your money _that much_.

5. Locations:

A) The Earth is divided into many groups of land called countries. Most have their own culture, government, language and flag. Each country is divided into smaller groups known sometimes as states, or provinces, or even territories. These sub-sections are then divided into even _smaller_ groups as cities, towns, villages, etc. All very exciting, I assure you.

B) The greatest country of all is the United States of America, as many people would tell you, but those Canadians think they're just so great. Heh, _they_ don't have a Declaration of Independance, now, do they?

C) Finally, in relation to countries, there are the all-important vacations. When one travels away from their home to enjoy time away from the hassles of life, they sometimes leave the country or the state, sometimes just their town. But wherever they go they unfortunately cannot escape taxes.

6. Jobs:

A) For the final point of this guide, we will discuss jobs. These are what you could call tasks, which you are given money to complete, and usually you get a day or so off once in a while, as well as regular vacations.

B) The most disliked aspect of jobs is often the 'boss'. This is the man or woman who pays you and tells you what to do. Sometimes the art of 'sucking up' is necessary to achieve more money.

That is the end of The Advanced Beginner's Guide to Earth's Customs. If you are further interested in the ways of Earth, call 1-800-WELCOME to order your copy of The Beginning Novice's Guide to Earth's Customs. The first 15 to order will receive a bonus bobble head figurine which came with a genuine drive-thru meal, at hardly any extra cost! Call now!

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The alien jumped up immediately after finishing and ran to the phone, ordering the next guide. She hoped she would get the bonus bobble head... whatever it is. Imagine! An authentic drive-thru meal accessory!

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Wasn't that great? I'm starting to really like this series.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, that remark about the US was in Dexter's point of view. I happen to be a proud Canadian, eh? Actually I never use 'eh' in a sentence. But I know people who do. Yup. Done wasting time now.


	3. The Beginning Novice's Guide

Ooh, look at me, updating after way too long. Ha. Sorry.

I have a neon pink Band-Aid on my ankle. Amazing, I know.

Without further ado/ramblings, here's the third installment of my out-of-this-world (sorry 'bout the pun) story! There should be about three more chapters after this, and possibly some sort of epilogue.

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As Dexter finished the printing of his next guide, he reflected on the business so far. It was rather tedious, with so little science involved, but he needed to make money for experiments somehow.

He inserted the guide, as well as the promised bobble head figure, into a box. After a minute of addressing and postmarking, the guide was on its way.

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**THE BEGINNING NOVICE'S GUIDE TO EARTH'S CUSTOMS**

Hello, and thank you for ordering the third guide in this series. We will be touching on a few previously mentioned items, as in the last guide, but this one is more focused on details.

1. Pop culture:

Popular culture is, as the name implies, cultural aspects that are common in society. Pop culture can include movies, music, food, clothes, etc.

A) The current style in music is rather untalented, scantly clad women singing unintelligent lyrics to the sound of a high-pitched ringtone... if you'll excuse the detailed description. Also popular is "rock and roll" - very loud. Enough said.

B) Movies are generally action or comedy. They can also be sad, romantic, fantasy, mystery... well, let's just say there are a lot of movie genres.

C) Clothes are getting to be an imitation of what people see in magazines, movies, and music videos. In other words, people do what they're told if they think it'll make them more appealing to society.

D) Food, as mentioned in the previous guides, has taken a turn towards the fast, convenient type. Meals at home, however, are still enjoyed occasionally.

2. Money:

Once again, we dabble on the subject of money. That just goes to show how important it is.

A) In America, which is basically what runs the world anyway, the money is counted in American Dollars. There are also pennies, dimes, nickels and quarters. There are four quarters is a dollar. There are 10 dimes in a dollar. There are 20 nickels is a dollar, and two of them in a dime. Finally we have pennies - 100 in a dollar, 25 in a quarter, 10 in a dime, and five in a nickel. One penny is equal to one cent.

B) You probably didn't take much of that in. It doesn't really matter much, though. It's not like you'd ever really have to get the hang of it.

3. Crime & punishment:

As well being a novel, crime and punishment is a good way to describe society's standings.

A) Rules, as I'm sure you're familiar with, are set to prevent bad things from happening. Or to prevent stupid things from happening. Or to prevent anti-governmental things from happening. They can be as small as "no running in the halls" or as big as "do not murder him, no matter how sure you are he's hitting on your girlfriend." If a rule is broken, there are indeed consequences.

B) Some of the bigger rules are called laws, and are enforced by figures of authority. Namely, police. If you're going to do something against the law ("illegal") you might want to avoid these police.

C) If you're caught breaking a rule, there is punishment. Usually, the consequence will vary depending on the severity of the crime in question.

4. Jobs:

As previously mentioned, jobs earn money to spend on necessities such as food, shelter and clothing. There are many kinds of jobs.

A) Teenage-preferred jobs. These are the simple ones, requiring no formal education. Remember when we learned about fast food? Many fast food establishments are carried by teenaged, that is to say, persons in the stage of development from child to adult. Minimum-requirement jobs with minimum pay.

B) Average jobs - quite self-explanatory, really. When one has a bit of fancy education, one can assume a position of moderate requirements, moderate pay, and moderate complication. Such as teaching. For the average joe.

C) Now, the big-shot jobs. These jobs require many years of hard work and training... usually. Much education and intelligence... and once again, I stress, _usually_. These pay very well and often lie in the area of medicine, research or, my personal favorite, science.

5. History:

Yes, the subject you've been looking forward to, I'm sure. We'll look over the four most easily divisible eras, a few of which overlap slightly, but are still each quite prominent.

A) On the topic of Antiquity (ancient history), not much is known for the earlier years. That is because nobody ever bothered to write it down properly. There were many ancient civilizations, including but not limited to Egyptians, Incas, Mayans, Asian... too many to keep it brief here. They have accomplished things that seem like they would have been impossible in their time. This period of time started basically at the very beginning, and lasted until about the year 900 (more on years in a few paragraphs).

B) In the Middle Ages, that is, after they started counting years but before advanced technology, it was a bit grim. For the first half of this era, there was much disease and crazy ideas that usually just got people killed, but occasionally made a positive difference in society. There were many wars are bad decisions. For this reason, these times are often referred to as the Dark Ages. This era lasted from about the 400s to the 1400s.

C) In the Early Modern period, well... it was pretty artsy-fartsy. There were painters, sculptors, musicians. A few inventors. The years of imagination and hope, one might say. From the 1300s to the 1700s.

D) Lastly, the Modern era. This is from the 1700s to present day. At the time of this publication, it is the year 2007 on the Gregorian calendar. That is not to say that the Earth is merely 2007 years old - we only started counting then. As far as scientists can surmise, the Earth is about 6.5 billion years old. In other parts of the world they are at different years since they started counting sooner or later than we. But they obviously don't know what they're talking about, since they don't belong to our religion. There will be more on religion in upcoming guides.

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Dexter immediately returned to a shelved experiment after sending off the rest of the guides. Though he didn't think of it then or any time soon after, but in the history section, he never did mention the fact that nearly nobody on Earth knew conclusively that aliens did, in fact, exist.

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I don't think this one was as funny as usual. Ahh shame on me, making readers wait for 37 years for an update then making it not up to par. But y'know, to make up for it, do you see that tiny hint of a plot there? No, to the left.. there, that's the one! Look for that plotline and/or anticlimax in a chapter coming soon to a FanFiction site near you.


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